ME: [with a child on a leash] this is my therapy child.
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“lassie i don’t see anyone at the bottom of this well. are you sure-” timmy felt the paws on his back. his eyes widened as he understood…
‘Siri, am I an alcoholic?’, I whisper into my burrito.
So 4:38 pm is a good time to realize your shorts have been unzipped all day.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
The egg whites carton in my fridge looked like the creamer carton and now I have omelette coffee.
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
In middle school I knew a guy named Austin who would always say that he slept with your mom to own you. Then one kid called his bluff and started talking about how Austin had basically ruined his family and how his mom was in prison now. Completely changed the game.
prisoner: “i broke a guy’s face in 18 places, what you in for?”
[flashback to me stealing a duck from the pond]
me: “9/11”
If people post just two more scripture quotes on Facebook, I will have officially read the entire bible.
When I’m grabbing something off the shelf at the supermarket, I like to momentarily remove the first item and take the one behind it so I’m not buying the one that 50 other people have touched, a trick that no one but me has ever figured out
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
Interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
Me: yes that number is zero
They say the customer is always right but the Chevy Dealer still won’t sell me a Transformer
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Her: “Is that you in your avi?”
Me: “No, it’s a picture of me.”
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said
Waiter: entrée?
Me: I don’t mind what you bring it on
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.