My gynecologist follows me on Instagram, I really do not know what else he wants to see.
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“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”
A $300 dollar bat won’t fix a $2 dollar swing
-life lessons from Softball Coach
My husband is volunteering to dress as the grim reaper and walk around stores where the folx are leisurely shopping and chatting.
If love didn’t hurt, it wouldn’t be called love…it would be called tacos.
[beach]
ME: Sure is beautiful here
HORSE: Yup
ME: Lovely sunset too
HORSE: Uh huh
ME: So…You want a drink?
HORSE: Nice try
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
Me: honey, want anything from the grocery store
Him: I feel like grapes but I don’t really like grapes
Me: say no more
Bought two shirts at Kohl’s and according to their calculations I saved $2,750.
I won a cozy blanket at work today and pissed off a lot of people. It was awesome.
i can guess how someone will die based on their clothes
date: what about me?
Hawaiian themed bathroom fire
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
A movie with subtitles, but instead of writing out the dialog, they tell me where I know every single actor from.
If you’ve had a lightsaber pointed at you while you were on the toilet you may be a parent …or your life is way more interesting than mine
Knock knock
“Who’s there?”
“Dejav”
“Dejav who?”
Knock knock
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
I like when candies have offseasons, like Easter is the Super Bowl of Cadbury Crème Eggs and then the eggs go rest up for training camp
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
when im having a bad day i remember a time i walked into a public bathroom&turned the lights on&heard a guy in the last stall say”thank god”
*takes off sunglasses*
Me: Okay, weigh me now.
Talking scales: *sigh* You weigh the same but look a lot less cool.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
I’ve never wanted to know the answer to anything bad enough to ask a question at the end of a meeting that’s running 30 minutes over time.
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
if I was ever in prison I’d quickly assert dominance by giving everyone a fabulous makeover
I don’t understand all the fuss about ChatGPT – I have teenagers who already know everything
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
[first day as a hairdresser]
customer: can you take off a foot?
me: *sharpening axe* no problem
I have eaten 16 of this car salesman’s tic-tacs while he was away from his desk. He wasn’t even gone long. I just can’t be unattended around tic-tacs.
[first day as a negotiator]
Me: release one hostage
Terrorist: no
Me: release half of one hostage