Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
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How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
What word has the biggest disconnect between spelling and pronunciation?
Asking for our friend, Siobhan.
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
*bursts out of stable on a chihuahua*
“Wait, if you’re here then that means”
*cut to a horse peeking it’s head out of Paris Hiltons purse*
*me as a police sketch artist
*turns Etch-o-Sketch aroundAre these the stairs that guy dragged you down?
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
May never get over this
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
asked my bf how work was today
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Hate it when people tell me “don’t be stupid”. It’s not like I have a choice in the matter.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
in the movies everyone can hotwire a car in ten seconds meanwhile it takes me twenty minutes to find the gas flap release on a rental
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
Interviewer: “Are you proficient with Microsoft Office?”
Interviewee: “Word.”
Last-minute gift idea!
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
[Deathbed]
Gandalf: *struggling to sit up* Frodo
Frodo: yes Gandalf?
Gandalf: theres something i always wanted to say
Frodo: *tearing up at the thought of being told he is like a son to him* yes?
Gandalf: we- *dying breath* we totally could have rode the eagles the whole way
Pain medication got me itching to operate heavy machinery in the dark
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Pronounces ‘daughter’ like ‘laughter’
[watching murder documentary]
Her: That’s not how I would have done it.
Me: *never sleeps again*
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
Labreador
I begin to read a horror novel in Braille.
Something bad is about to happen, I can feel it.
My ex-husband’s mother invited me to lunch for my birthday and tbh, I’d rather be torn apart by wolverines and thrown into a vat of acid so naturally, I told her I’d check my schedule.