Sure I’d love a long chat. Let me make you more comfortable. *slides a cactus plant between us*
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My kids will insist on wearing the same grungy PJs for 6 days in a row, but they’ll put a t-shirt in the dirty hamper just because it fell off the hanger
Wife: You’re not using the instructions to build the bookcase?
Husband: Nope, I’m doing it entirely shelf-taught, haha
Wife: *eyes fixate on hammer*
when I was your age we had to wait 10 minutes to log into the internet
and we liked it
i like keeping my metabolism on its toes. Like what’s it gonna be today, complete starvation or 6,000 calories.
I did squats while eating my leftover pizza. I’m nailing this healthy lifestyle
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
I’ve cleaned the entire house so no one is allowed to live here anymore.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
Friggen “pharmacist” won’t give me over the counter kisses for my boo boos smh
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbours for finding a loophole in the ‘no elephants’ clause in their lease
Want to lose weight for the Summer? Don’t worry, simply check-in your bags here. That’s 23 kilos you’ll never see again.
[first day as a getaway driver]
ME: how did I do
BANK ROBBER: you didn’t need to keep honking I knew you were out there
A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
dollar store pregnancy test instructions say to pee on the stick then wait 9 months
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
a great headline for when there is a world wide fresh water shortage will be “water we gonna do??” we will need the laughs
cant sleep because i keep thinking about the time i went into my garage and saw a raccoon holding a pen correctly
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Probably my communication skills.
(it starts to rain)
worms: the revolution has begun.
“self-driving cars will have to answer split-second ethical decisions, instantly calculating the worth of the lives of the people around them. can AI solve the trolley problem?”
self-driving cars in reality: i swerved onto the sidewalk because i thought the moon was a stop sign
[showing baby to friends]
“Aw, he looks like his dad!”
Wife [trying to hold back tears]: they say there’s nothing they can do
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
wife: why is the automatic soap dispenser in the kitch- *hazelnut creamer squirts into her hand*
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
[sees crush]
Oh you’re going to the mall? Wow weird me too. I totally need a new *tries to think of something at the mall* escalator
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.