There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
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My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
This probably isn’t good
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
Twas the night before Christmas, all through the house not a creature was stirring not even my vodka martini because it’s shaken not stirred
“At least Donald Trump says what he thinks.”
Ah yes if only all racists would shout about it constantly the world would be a better place.
Just found out the hard way that they don’t like the poop jokes over on LinkedIn, just to warn you guys.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
Them: “when are you back?” You: “next week.” (Week passes) You: “I’m back, let’s hang.” Them: “how long are you here?”
wife: ugh I feel so old
me: you’re only 36
wife: ugh
me: that’s like three 12yr olds
wife: what
me: what
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
My milkshake won’t bring the boys to the yard but I’m betting my free wifi will.
Podcasts are like babies, they’re too easy to create and not everyone should have one
Friend: You thinking what I’m thinking?
Me: It’s bullshit there weren’t schools from other continents in the Triwizard Tournament?
F: ….
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Everybody wants to be wanted, except maybe fugitives.
I once broke up with a guy because he ate half my french fries, and when I get really lonely, I still think about those french fries.
Me: I just want to taste your chapstick 😏
Her: oh.. 😉 *leans in for a kiss*
Me: *eating her chapstick* oh.
Her: oh.
Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
I wish I were better at subtweets cause I have some really passive aggressive things I’ld like to say to a couple of you
I put my height in my tinder bio and 6 men unmatched with me…..i’m gonna break into y’alls houses and put all the remotes on top of the fridge
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
BREAKING NEWS: every movie & thing you like is delayed. There. Done.
Oh, man. My grandma caught me texting my OTHER grandma and now things are super tense.