Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
You Might Also Like
WIFE: [livid] he calls his man-cave a “he shed!”
HUSBAND: she’s just jealous she doesn’t have a “she shed!”
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: it’s all about the he shed / she shed bullshit
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
I asked my neighbor’s 5 yr old if he wanted a baby brother or sister and his reply was he just wanted chicken nuggets
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
My favorite thing is when there’s not enough time in therapy to bring something to conclusion and you’re just sent home with all your unearthed trauma and demons like ok cool see you next week stay hydrated
WIFE: Do you think men and women are just hardwired differently?
ME [drinking a bottle of shampoo]: *bubble noises*
Tried this new Playlist in the car, on the treadmill, at my desk, but it seems the best place for me to listen to old Greenday is 1992.
My obsession with visiting different hardware stores has me hitting new Lowe’s.
If you’re havin AutoCorrect problems I feel bad for you son. I got 99 parabolas bit s butch Saint omg.
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Early to bed, early to rise makes a man healthy, wealthy and still want to take a nap by noon.
Will I still enjoy it if I haven’t seen Shepherd’s Pie 1-5?
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Wife: Did you hear what I said?
Me: No, I was in a different room.
Wife: If you couldn’t hear me, why did you let me keep talking?
Me: …
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.
Calories don’t count if they’re connected to a celebration. Everyone knows this.
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
My 4yr old has started prefaceing questions with, “but don’t say no” and he’s got a lot to learn about disappointment
Ribbed condoms don’t even taste like ribs
I like to confuse people who give me the finger by responding with jazz hands.
*adds Doritos to wedding registry*
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
i regret to inform the fans that yet another draft of my romance novel has been rejected for overusing the phrase “really going to town” in sex scenes
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?