Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
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Waiter: hi I’m Dave and I’ll be taking care of you
Me: I’ve been hurt before, dave
My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
When the delivery of your fridge sounds like a threat. 🤣😂
coworker: hey grant
me: [stands up]
cw: u know what I hate about this job
me: [walks out of office]
cw: [follows me] u know what I hate
me: [takes elevator to top floor]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [climbs ladder to rooftop]
cw: u know what I hate
me: [jumps]
ive taken a couple of survival classes and let me tell yall youre gonna cut urself trying to build something and die of an infection before the “raiders” come for your “water purification tablets”
Siri, fight Alexa.
Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
I wore a Not All Who Wander Are Lost t-shirt to church, and they still asked what I was doing in the fellowship pantry during services.
This squirrel eats better than I do
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
I replaced the spare tire in my car with a box of wine. I’ve no idea how to change a tire, & I bet I’ll need a drink as I wait for a ride.
Roommate gets sinus infection: treats it with chai tea and three different medications.
I get the same thing: GIVE ME ALL THE WASABI. CLEAR OUT MY SINUSES WITH CLEANSING FIRE. MAKE THEM AN INHOSPITABLE DESERT TO MAN, BEAST, AND VIRUS ALIKE.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
“This isn’t working out,” I insist to my girlfriend as we glide effortlessly downhill on her tandem bicycle.
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
My mom told me I couldn’t swim until 30 minutes after I last ate so that’s why I haven’t swam since I was 14 years old.
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
kicked out of photoshop class for letting out a huge yeehaw every time i select the lasso tool
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
tired of seeing everyone’s boyfriend taking them on paint and picnic dates so my dog took me on one instead
I love how every time Pete Davidson starts dating another beautiful woman news sites go out of their way to look for the worst picture of him they can find
Try to eat 70,000 small meals a day to keep your metabolism on its toes.
Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Studies say people with high IQ are lazy. Of course I didn’t read the entire article.