1st date [dont let him know I’m a sponge]
Him: *spills drink*
Me: *starts twitching*
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Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
Elderly Woman: Excuse me, young man…could you help m-
Me: I have a grandma.
If you’re not sure if a woman is pregnant or not, go ahead and ask her how far along she is in order to clear things up
[first date]
Her: I love your scent, what is it?
Me: desperation.
I only put one eye on my snowman. That way, if it ever comes to life, the lack of depth perception will give me a tactical advantage.
[1st date]
date: …you said you had abs
me: [squints] everyone has abdominal muscles, Susan
hyundai called it sonata because it’s sonata good car
Somebody call the cops.
If he doesn’t like fruit puns, let that mango.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
I thought PrintNightmare was when your boss caught you using the company photocopier to make your lost goldfish flyers.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
Wolverine: [more mad than usual] I woke up today ON THE ROOF
Prof. X: [glares at Magneto]
Magneto: OH SURE IMMEDIATELY BLAME ME
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
I KEPT MY CAPS LOCK ON WHEN I SEARCHED RECIPES FOR DINNER TONIGHT AND NOW GORDON RAMSEY IS IN MY KITCHEN
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
“I saw a flock of cows today”
“Flock of cows?”
“Yes a flock of cows”
“Herd of cows?”
“Of course I’ve heard of cows, I saw a flock of them!”
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.