I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
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Me: Sometimes I wish I wasn’t shy and introverted
Alcohol: I’VE GOT GREAT NEWS!
Hillary Duff is short for Hillarious Dufflebag
Aries: You pissed off the moon. You’re on your own.
women are like cars. sometimes there’s a squirrel living in there
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
I was arrested on suspicion of accessory to peeing in a pigpen but my lawyer says they’ll drop the charges if I squeal
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
lumberjacks will cut a birch
Kids are like mosquitoes…
…when they stop making a noise, start worrying
Facebook: losing friends.
Twitter: gaining friends
Instagram: gaining weight
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
Her: Your house has a lot of cool stuff in it… Who plays the piano?
Me: Pretty much anybody who is trying to get on somebody’s nerves.
SPIDER: But I need my ID
COP: I’m confiscating it
SPER: Damn you
ME: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender lol
DATE: Haha, because you say something & he says it back to
ME: He’s murdered 7 people
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
When everyone is getting off the zoom call but you’re struggling to find the leave meeting button so then it’s just you and the host
I feel like I have something to prove here.
Judge: That’s sort of how this works.
mary: excuse me, waiter? i asked you to stop bringing him juice
waiter: we did, we’ve only given him water
10 year old jesus: *winks at camera*
[Crazed robot bursts into my room and sees my Rage Against the Machine poster]
Me: IT’S NOT WHAT YOU THINK!!!
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
I wear a stethoscope so that in a medical emergency I can teach people a valuable lesson about assumptions.
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.