No one goes to target because they need something. You go to target and let target tell you what you need.
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The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace
Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
9: My room is clean.
Me: You keep using that word. I do not think it means what you think it means.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
At some point you’ll think you have this parenting thing figured out. Then your child will ask you to take the cheese off of their macaroni.
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
oh you’re an industrialist? name 5 cheesecakes manufactured at cheesecake factory
It’s not embarrassing falling down the stairs as long as you shout ‘parkour!’ after
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
“So how are the anger management classes?”
We have to crochet stuff when we get mad
“Sounds stupid”
[I furiously make a beautiful cardigan]
Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
I only eat vegetarians.
I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
“OPEN UP, THIS IS THE POLICE!”
haha, no way losers. I’ve got things to do.
*cop whispering* “what do we do? this guy is owning us hard!”
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
My dogs: OMG MOM IS DOING STUFF!! WOOOO!! GET HER!!
Me: (just getting off the couch to go to the bathroom)
Wake me when AI does housework
Mortal Kombat Announcer: FINISH HIM
Scorpion: it helps if u choke me a little
Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams
Always be yourself. Unless you can be Batman.. Then be Batman.
[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
Caesar: friends, Romans countryman lend me your ear…
[2 days later]
*Caesar opens mailbox*
“oh FFS Van Gogh IT’S A SAYING!!!!!’
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.