Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
You Might Also Like
Me: But I was singing Britney Spears
Karaoke bar bouncer: You were screaming “my loneliness is killing me”
Me: That’s a lyric
Bouncer: You were in the bathroom
(head held low) mom said i cant join your gang
“I want you inside me.”
-says the quotation marks to the period-
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
I just saw a woman with a “Dog Mom” bumper sticker. And while the kid in the back seat wasn’t great looking, I still thought it was kinda harsh.
Me trying to “trust the process”
Just when you think your teen is actually invested in what you’re saying and engaged, you realize there’s a mirror behind you and she’s just practicing her TikTok faces.
Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
“Man, what’s eating you today?
*looks down*
I Don’t know…. GET IT OFF OF ME!!!
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
Strange
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
They say all dogs eventually look like their owners……..that’s unfortunate for your dog
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
my son wont get past his bridge troll phase. its a phase all children have, where they live under a bridge and rob people with a gun
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
The Police asked me to make a statement so I stripped naked and ran around the precinct shouting, “Save the whales!”
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “My jet pack is in the shop.”
I never got into House MD because it was too farfetched. A doctor who’s rude and doesn’t listen to you?
Speaking in rhyme seems perfectly natural for a serial killer, but is quite unnerving when my proctologist does it.
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt hav any chicken so i fried a egg and now im waitig for it to hatch
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?