Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
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Me: Do you want kids?
Date: Yes! Definitely.Me: How many?
Date: Ideally two. A boy and a girl.Me: Perfect. I’ll drop them off on Saturday. Good luck.
CW: My wedding is going to be expensive!
Me: Wait till you see what the divorce is going to cost you!
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
I have never related to a cat more
We look weird together like two p’s in a ppod
I just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
Can’t believe this needs to be said but giving two shots of vitamin B6 doesn’t mean you gave a shot of B12.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
Does superman ever go back to get his clothes, or is Metropolis just full of hobos running around in glasses and Clark Kent outfits?
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
An accountant who disappears with all his client’s money is a math magician.
Bartender: What are you drinking tonight?
Me: A lot.
good baseball player nicknames if they weren’t already taken:
– batman
– hitler
*suddenly pulls away from kissing* BUT WHERE DOES THE STORK GET THE BABY FROM?!?
I know I’m short but if you ever try to pat me on the head I will bite your ankles
is this store having a stroke wtf
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
[death row]
Guard: alright tough guy one last meal
Me: a cyanide pill
Guard: what? no we want to kill you!
Me: too bad
Guard: aw man
I want more people to join bluesky before I accidentally follow too many journalists
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
Kids are so inquisitive.
“Will robots ever take over the world?”
Me: “Almost certainly.”
“But when? Before I die?”
“A bit before, yes.”
my local grocery store is rapidly losing control of the phrase chicken cutlets
*experiencing the extremely obvious consequences of my actions*
The universe is so mysterious
I wonder if Barbers got into the business to just sweep hair
Them: “Dance like no one is watching.”
Me: *dances*
Them: “WTF is she doing? She knows we can see her, right?”