accurate
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say whatever you want about twitter, at least it’s keeping you people off the streets
I talk a lot of shit for a girl with a blankie.
I actually turned on the light so the Roomba could “see” where it was going, so I’m not exactly firing on all cylinders today.
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
Oh to be a house cat and simply slap the shit out of anything in front of me that I do not understand
So the ex texted me
A few people have written me happy birthday without any exclamation points. It’s like they don’t even care.
Guys will say literally anything to get laid like “you’re beautiful” or “you can have my last donut”, shit like that
I had two students lose teeth yesterday and this morning they excitedly told me how much money the tooth fairy left. One got $10, the other $20. I may start pulling my own teeth out soon.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
me: *imagining it* no but I want to
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
First date:
Me: Is this it? Are we HAVING THE SEX?!?
Him: that’s a breadstick
MOM: How are you doing?
ME: (drinking what may be 2-day old coffee) Amazing!
MOM: Really?!
ME: (stepping over dead body in kitchen) SO good!
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
[second week of being able to talk to animals]
omg you like food I get it
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
I’m not saying I’m an idiot…
But if some village comes looking…tell them you never saw me.
[You’re at Gwyneth Paltrow’s house and the power goes out]
NO. DEAR GOD, NO!
Did anyone ever see that documentary about some paper company in Scranton that a production team filmed for like 9 years?
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
Donald Trump says he’ll open up secret 9/11 files. Miley Cyrus says she’ll flee the country if Trump is elected. Connect the dots, people.