“Honey, have you seen the cat?”
– Mrs. Schrödinger
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Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.
Let’s find out what pisses the crickets off and do THAT during the day
Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?
General Anesthesia
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
me: *eating spaghetti sandwich*
carb god: *rubbing biscuit hands together* goood goood
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
Told the kids me and husband were having adult time and under no circumstances were they to disturb us for the next 5-6 minutes
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
Welcome to your 40s. You ask your spouse for the name of the next street because you can’t read the sign yet, but they can’t read it either. For the next several minutes you’re engaged in a heated competition to see whose eyesight is worse.
*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
who wants to go expliring
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
“Why am I so thirsty?”
*Flashback to me eating half a ham*
“Oh, right”
yes lassie?
“bark”
Timmy’s in the well and you pissed in my slippers and you told me about Timmy first so I wouldn’t get mad
“bark”
smart
Hey i am sexy to you now
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Hansel and Gretel is my favorite story about eating children.
I started drinking more water and now all my workouts consist of walking back and forth to the bathroom.
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000