My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
You Might Also Like
Lawrence starts cooking
Lawrence checks Twitter
Lawrence smells smoke
Lawrence Fishburne
When I worked in fragrance, my friends and family would ask for samples all the time.
Now that I work in a bank… Same
I’m going to break into your house and steal that thing with the little wheels on it under the plate in your microwave.
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
LADY AT COSTUME PARTY: ooh, I love Garfield!
ME (in a lovingly hand-tailored Hobbes costume): *starts weeping* haha yeah i hate mondays
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Legacy implies the existence of armacy.
I remember one time I caught my ex talking to some dude in an indie band and was telling him she’s sad and she said something along the lines of “my boyfriend is a musician (me) and hasn’t once made a song about me or how he loves me” like bro I play the drums wtf lol
Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
My multivitamin is the same size as an earplug. Guess how I accidentally know that?
The year 4542, artifacts are discovered from our once flourishing civilization. “Looks like they worshiped apples.” said one archeologist.
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
The only thing I do to get my body ready for summer is make sure my AC is serviced.
🖤✌🏽
How Jesus was named:
Mary: Joseph, I’m having a baby.
Joseph: JESUS CHRIST!
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
what’s really going on
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Have donuts and coffee, will travel.
Had a nightmare I’d gone blond and woke up with yellow hair. Turns out if you dye in your dreams…
“Full of sound and fury signifying nothing.”–how I told my wife the baby was gassy but didn’t have poop. Thanks, English degree.
If you’re in Burger King longer than 5 minutes, you’re the manager
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
I ate the worst cake of my life today, but then again that must have been why it was free at the urinal.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
[FIRST DATE]
HER: I love babies.
ME *to waiter*: She’ll have the veal.
I bet the first person to keep track of his age was a gigantic tool
“This is my 24th winter”
Shut up and help us kill this boar, Stuart