You Might Also Like
I often say to myself, “I can’t believe my cloning machine worked!”
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
All this forehead and I can’t remember what I went into the kitchen for.
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Asked my 6-year-old what she wants for Christmas and she said “a toy chicken that’s taller than Anthony” so now I can’t even finish my shopping until I track down this Anthony and find out how tall he is. Why can’t she just want a bike?
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
KID: Mr. Owl, how many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
ENDANGERED NORTHERN SPOTTED OWL: You cannot possibly think this is a priority for me.
Anyone who says cheetahs are the fastest land mammals hasn’t seen me move a cat off an expensive area rug before he pukes.
He’s been preparing for this moment his entire life 😂😭
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
WIFE: What the…?
ME: I’m teaching him to play piano.
W: You idiot!
M *covering chicken’s ears*: Not in front of Johann Sebastian Bock-Bock
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
[abruptly stops playing my air banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME?
it’d be impossible to tell if a sloth was clapping sincerely
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone….BOOM!!!
Onion rings.
[sees my husband cry as i walk down the aisle at our wedding]
hey, this priest bothering you?
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.
me: *screams*
my husband: goddammit
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
Apples to apples? You’re not a very good wizard.