what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
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AOL was hacked yesterday so watch out for spam email that looks like it came from 1995.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
karate teacher: “break this wood”
me: “why?”
karate teacher: “i dunno, pretend it’s mugging you”
me: [gives wood my wallet]
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
“Are you left handed?” – people who see me writing with my left hand, curious if I am just doing it for show.
One of the sharpest and earliest skills any woman will learn is how to make a twisty hat out of a towel that can last through hurricane force winds.
this is why god doesn’t talk to us anymore
Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
Him: I’m drowning in bills
Me: You should sign up for paperless
Spent an hour on a zoom with somebody whose fire alarm kept beeping low bat and I realized, Jesus, everybody lives like I do!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT DOGS COOKING PIZZAS
SE: -on your sub?
ME: PUPPERONI
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
therapist: according to your wife you only say rude words
me: rude words
therapist: yes
me: rude words
therapist: i see
[kid watching an episode of The Flintstones for the first time]
“They made a show based on vitamins? This is dumb.”
I thought I was experiencing early menopause but it turned out one of my kids set the thermostat to 87°.
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
Did my child attempt to cross the Sahara desert, and collapse, unable to make it? Or did they struggle to throw a wrapper in the kitchen trash? It’s impossible to tell.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
I was served a subpoena. I distinctly remember ordering a cheeseburger.
i told my dermatologist if she couldn’t get rid of my acne i’d kill myself and she referred me to a “psychologist,” which i have to assume is just a better dermatologist?
hackers play passwordle
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Haley: Hey how’s it going
Hayleigh: I’m beighsicalleigh okeigh
[movie night]
Her: Can I pick tonight?
Me: You picked last time and it was horrible
Her: WE WATCHED OUR WEDDING VIDEO
I consider page 2 of google results the dark web.