Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
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Marie Kondo: Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: YES!
Marie Kondo: Oookay… um, this paper cup from 3 weeks ago?
Daughter: Yes! It’s my favorite!
Marie Kondo: *holding up a broken crayon* Does this item spark joy?
Daughter: Yes!
Marie Kondo: *in tears* This popped balloon?
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My wife just confessed that for her entire childhood she thought Colonel Sanders’ bow tie was his whole body and now I can’t stop seeing a tiny stick body every time I look at him.
Daughter: dada?
Me: no honey it’s not.
Daughter: is time travel possi-
Me: [winks].
Daughter: [runs away] AHHHHHHH!
Wife: how did you do that?
Me: I paid our son a dollar to ask her to ask me.
My body’s check engine light has been on longer than Law and Order
*stomps feet twice and claps over and over until everyone at the funeral is doing it* “we will…we will..miss you”
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
*uses Ouija board*
NEW PHONE WHO DIS
As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
What kind of doctor are you?
-Apathologist
A… pathologist?
-No, apathologist. People come to me when they need medical don’t care.
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
My little old fish didn’t move around in her bowl all day. i thought she was dead but it turns out she was just going through minnow pause.
My 10yo just RickRolled me so I’m busy choreographing a first day of middle school flash mob to teach this twerp a lesson.
Yes, but it was never about money
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
Ludacris: put your money where your mouth is
CDC: please don’t
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
Me: I wish I was super hot.
Menopause: Say no more, fam.
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Dear women, when you’re not around we load the dishwasher properly.
Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
*receiving flowers
I don’t know why people act so surprised when I fold them and put them in my purse.
*Passive-aggressively skips through your selfies and only likes pics of your dog*
escape room employee: would you like a hint?
me: hmm this door says PUSH which likely stands for Pull Until Secrets Happen
I’ve got a couple of eyebrow hairs that want me to be a villain.
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous