I confused girdle and wordle, and now I can’t spell for crap but my waistline looks fabulous
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Cop: We’ve found the man who stole your identity and was impersonating you
Me: Where was he?
Cop: Eating Cheetos and crying in his car
Me *impressed* he really went for it
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
Money doesn’t grow on trees. Your move, multinational agricultural biotechnology corporations.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
How much wood would Steve Winwood win if Steve Winwood could win wood?
Started out with a kiss how did it end up like this?
CDC: I thought we were pretty clear.
If you don’t call your spouse “wonderful” when you’re on a game show, you’re legally required to get a divorce at the end of the show.
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
[Dark alley at midnight]
*Knife-wielding punk approaches
Me: “Don’t make me do something I might regret…”
*Punk sneers & raises knife
*I phone up and propose to my married high-school girlfriend
If you try and fight South Park they will just turn around and do another episode about you. 😬
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Public bathrooms are why parkour was invented.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
Scientist: The average person spends 6.9 hours a week on Twitter.
Me: You mean a day?
Scientist: What?
Me: What?
I can’t decide if it’s amazing or terrifying that my two oldest children managed to stop arguing long enough to come up with a secret handshake.
You’re telling me Adam DRIVER and Penelope CRUZ (cruise) are in a movie called Ferrari ???????????
“Doctor, is the baby healthy?”
“Yes Kanye, and just so you know I was the first one to hold her.”
“Huh?”
*Ray-J pulls off surgical mask
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
Undertaker: “What do you want your husbands gravestone to say?”
Wife: “Nothing. I want a traditional, non-talking one.”
Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.
Dinner with Mom: Are these real people you’re talking about or are they from the internet?
Im not saying your cat doesnt care about you…
Im saying that if
Lassie was a cat,
Timmy would still be in that well…
just found out Mr. Miyagi’s first name was Trent, I hate hollywood
it was a valiant fight
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
The cashier just checked me out.