I’m sorry I gotta go. I’m gonna be late for my wife’s post grocery shopping orientation where we cover “snacks and treats that are meant for the kids.”
You Might Also Like
[Child reading their story to the class]
& there was a virus all over the world & some people died & everyone wore masks & kept 6ft away & everyone stayed home & all schools were shut & there was no loo roll.
The End
Teacher: that’s great but try to be realistic next time
Is Pepsi ok?
*I pull out my phone and send a text*
*2 hours pass*
*an out of breath Dikembe Mutumbo runs in wagging his finger*
No it is not
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
wait.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
How often do you think Jennifer Aniston uses the line “I’m not here to make Friends?”
Follow your dreams
Eat that cake
Skip the ads
Cut your own hair
Dye it too
Go on the run
Dance in moonlight
Hold your loved one close
Closer
Steal their soul
Offer it to Cthulhu
Write a children’s book
Illustrate it too
Love yourself
Imagine
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
i can’t stop writing holiday rom com synopses so i guess i’ll just continue doing it until my hands fall off
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
Husband: Why is there a bucket on the roof?
6yo: what bucket? An orange bucket? I definitely wasn’t playing with an Orange bucket.
Husband: I never mentioned the color. 🧐And this, kids, is why we don’t talk to the police without a lawyer present 🤣
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
*fingers myself with giant foam Sharknado 2 finger
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
My friends made fun of me for buying this flamethrower, but at least I don’t have to shovel snow this weekend.
Tweet thief [secretly the Backstreet Boys] 🎶am I original?
– Naaah –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I the only one
– LOL NO –
Tweet thief: 🎶am I SEXUAL
*Awkward silence*
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
Describing the weird dream I had over the Walmart intercom until the police are called
we are always told “don’t eat the cookies that are cooling on the tray” and then “don’t eat the cookies that are in the jar” the loophole in this system is to eat the cookies while they are still baking in the oven.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.