Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
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Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
You dance like nobody is watching. I eat like that.
Did you have a good day or did you grab a rotisserie chicken at the market that wasn’t sealed and the juice spilled all over your feet? And you were wearing flip flops.
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
We are gathered here today because our ancestors didn’t have condoms.
Counting calories is a great way to combine super fun things like math and not eating.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
RABBIT HUSBAND: You look even better after a full day of work. I don’t know how you do it, honey.
RABBIT WIFE: They test cosmetics on me.
“If ya wanna go and take a ride with me / wear your seatbelt” – Nervous Nelly
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed
Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
*first day as a conductor
“Tickets, please”
*the orchestra is confused
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
4: Let’s hunt turkeys, Daddy.
Me: How do we do that?
4: Put up a big sign that says, “Come here, Turkeys!”
I might be raising Elmer Fudd.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My wife is mad at me because I gave up looking for one particular black sock in a basket full of socks and after having pulled 7 different black socks out I quit.
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
me: I always follow my moral compass
friend who’s lost in the woods with me: maybe we should’ve followed a compass compass
me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
She loves me
[forgets to run the dishwasher]
She loves me not