dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
You Might Also Like
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Pretty sure my bicycle has been drinking. All the way home it was swerving around and trying to throw me. I left it in someone’s hedge to teach it a lesson.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Bodyguard Idea:
Clowns. No one will come anywhere near you.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
Every time a zombie sneezes, it loses 5 pounds in body parts.
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Dentist: Have you been brushing twice a day?
Me: *with immaculate hair* Pfft. More like five times.
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Her: Please be on your best behavior.
Me: I assure you that I can meet that standard and still offend pretty much everyone.
Do people who go ice fishing know you can actually make your own ice?
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
When I have a tough decision, I ask myself…
“What would Jesus do?”
Then, I remember how things turned out for him…
And, flip a coin.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
I think lawyers would be a lot cooler if you could just hire them to help you plan your heist.
Lawyer: If you get caught it’s only 6 mo. Instead of 20 yrs. If you do it this way.
Me: What about the repelling from the ceiling part?
Lawyer: Keep that, it’s badass!
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Door-to-door Christian guy: Jesus loves you.
Me: Really? Just me?
Him: Well, no. He loves everyone.
Me: I don’t have time for players.
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
judge: your word is meaningless.
me: meaningless. m-e-a-
lawyer: [hand on shoulder] just sit down.
Our UPS guy has won 389 FitBit challenges just from walking back and forth to our front door.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars