me *opening a box of Mac and Cheese*
wife [sitting in the hot tub] No
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my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
How does a hippie polygamist count his wives?
1. Mrs. Hippie 2. Mrs. Hippie 3. Mrs. Hippie 4. Mrs. Hippie
Please stop putting flyers on my windshield in parking lots. I have no desire to see your new band called “Parking Violation”.
You play the victim so well you probably have chalk in your pocket to outline your body
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Support your local cemetery
Interviewer: What skills can you bring to this company?
Me: I can kill a spider without screaming.
Interviewer: Your office will be next to mine.
Her: So you wrote Amazing Grace about your ex?
Me: Yes
Her: And now you’ve written one about me! I’m so excit-
Choir master: Now we sing Adequate Rachel
Her: what
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
When I see Jehovas I talk to them right through my doorbell camera and tell them I’m not home.
Me: *completing a puzzle* see if the pieces are soggy they fit wherever
[mid to late 13th century]
me: [slowly pushes a cannon into a bank] “everybody listen up this is a robbery”
[hitchhikes]
[arrives safely and not murdered]This is bullshit.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
Me: I’ve got mismatched socks do you think that’s ok
Wife: I don’t think anyone’s gonna notice
Me: I’m gonna tell em
*holding banana up to my ear as if it’s a phone*
haha, get it?? it looks like i am making a phonecall. but i’m n-*banana rings* oh crap
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
“I’m thinking about having a baby.”
“You should get a dog.”
“As a sort of test?”
“No. You should just get a dog.”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
my fairytale would be called the princess and the pea sized bladder.
My 4-year-old thinks the 5-second rule means she can eat anything off the floor if she waits 5-seconds first. That M&M was from last Easter.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?