my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
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Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
What if we just vaccinated a bunch of mosquitoes and released them?
Well, Lassie, maybe it’s time for Timmy to learn a hard lesson about watching where he’s going.
If you attempt to rob a bank you won’t have any trouble with rent/food bills for the next 10 years whether you are successful or not.
If a cockroach can survive a catastrophic nuclear holocaust, then what in the digital heavens do they put in Raid? #ThingsToPonderAtNight
Facebook needs an “I’ve already seen this on Twitter” button.
I just heard an economist say she believes a lot of people have “pent up savings” from the pandemic like she’s never heard of Amazon.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
If he asks you to be his girlfriend say yes and then hide from him so he can never break up with you.
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
No one sleeps with Gandalf because it takes him until first light on the fifth day to come.
When I was younger, I always wanted to become a Gregorian monk.
Unfortunately, I never had the chants
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
*holds flashlight under chin
Me: suddenly the mystery of…Son: haha Dad has like 3 chins
*drops flashlight
Me: SANTA CLAUS IS FAKE!!
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
You’re a guy, therefore you can’t “hehehehe”.
Every time I see a sign that says “Right lane ends,” I’m like, so does everything else, deal with it
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
Mike Tyson’s apartment building
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
I’m 50. All celebrity news looks like this:
‘CURTAINS FOR ZOOSHA? K-SMOG AND BATBOY CAUGHT FLIPPING A GRUNT’
Instruments were designed to be actually played, not “air played,” Kirk.
There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.
5yo: OMG I’M STARVING I NEED TO EAT I’M GONNA DIIIIIEE!!
*eats 3 fries*
5yo: Can I be done?
*opens paper towels*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens mail*
dog
me: It’s not food
*opens package of scissors*
dog
me: It’s not f
[aquarium exit]
Excuse me ma’am, would you mind opening your bag?
I beg your pardon?!
OPEN YOUR BAG
*opens bag and reveals two penguins*
Every raccoon is either planning a heist or in the middle of a heist.