As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
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Her: What’s for dinner?
Me: It’s a surprise!
Her: You ran over a squirrel, didn’t you?
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
“Whats your biggest weakness?”
“I’m bad at taking compliments”
“Actually that’s quite endearing”
*Leaps across table, punches him in throat*
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
Sorry if my tweets aren’t good enough for you, person who retweets Cher
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
[ER]
Me: I CANT FEEL MY LEGS AM I DYING DOC?
Dr: *loosens my belt*unbuttons my pants*
Me: is this appropriate? *blood returns to legs* oh.
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
obviously, you’d be a fool not to get two
My husband doesn’t find it nearly as amusing as I do, when I read all your tweets out loud to him. For 2 hours.
Douche.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
i’m just a girl, standing in front of a fan, talking into it so i sound like a robot.
I just went grocery shopping so takeout it is.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
Dad used to remind us kids to check for copperheads hidden in the woodpile. Of less concern was giving an ax to a 10-year-old.
On a road trip, if you need to pee, you have two options: public restrooms or the grass. I went for grass and could see my dogs nodding their heads in solidarity
going over to my buddy’s house and opening all of his treasure chests to see if there’s any items in there that i need
[holding baby] haha oh whoa i thought he’d be slimey but he’s really dry
A neighbor asked my 5 yo if we had fun plans this weekend and he responded “we will probably go on a walk after dinner.”
Buckle up folks, things are about to get crazy.
1. Ghosts are see-through
2. Windows are see-through
3. Ghosts are windows
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.
Wife online? Kids asleep? Time to relax & unwind with a damp cloth and a bottle of multi-surface cleaner. ‘Me time’.
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?