the hardest part of your wife going into labor is everyone interrupts the movie by asking questions
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Auto correct doesn’t work when I use caps lock. My phone is like “woah, better let this dude cool down before I tell him he’s wrong”
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water
“Everything hurts and I’m always exhausted.”
WebMD: Parenthood
How come no one in the fast and furious movies ever need to get gas?
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Just heard a lady tell a 4yo to “get it together!” I’m not sure she knows how 4yos work.
Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
“It’s time to turn over a new leaf.”
– Adam & Eve on laundry day
Bro are you joking? Are you being a court jester right now? Dude, are you jumping around in your jingly jangly hat bro?
occult darling Dracula needs to get a grip. having his own dirt shipped in to sleep on, what a piece of shit. me, i’ll sleep on any dirt
I’m going to get so many free clothes when the rapture comes.
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
I’m not a bad person, although once I blew a paper straw cover at my husband and it stuck in a lady’s hair and I didn’t tell her.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
“I love the Fall, the trees are so pretty”
It’s fall??
“Ya, so what?”
[leaves start attacking everyone]
OMG THE LEAVES HAVE TURNED
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
Creating intrigue by texting “We need to talk about what happened at the lake house” to all my friends and following it up with “Sorry that was meant for someone else!!”
If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
#NoRestForTheWicked