Girlfriend: Are you crying?
Me: It’s a wedding episode…
Gf: But you don’t even like this show
Me: Yeah but at first the wedding was cancelled…but they pulled it together…because of love 😭
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It’s all fun and games until you send the clapping emoji instead of the prayer hands when commenting on the news of a death in the family.
[being carried out of the zoo on a stretcher] not all hyenas are scared of the name Mufasa, I know this now
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I can’t move mountains but I can shift blame.
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My son told me he came downstairs after we tucked him in last night and he heard “gorilla sounds” coming from our bedroom. I never thought we’d have ‘the talk’ this soon, but I sat him down and told him about irritable bowel syndrome.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
Me buying fruit and veg
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
😂😂😂😂😂😂
Don’t try to fix your computer the same day you quit drinking. You. Will. Relapse.
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
Now this is how you LinkedIn
My roomba taught me the secrets to winning the Robot War:
Robots…
– don’t respond to yelling
– can’t deal with rugs with tassels
– become obsessed with vestibules
– are defeated by hair
– hate being picked up
I just ate an entire cake to get the taste of salad out of my mouth.
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
Whenever someone talks to me, I freak out because I forget people can see me.
“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
Before marriage: fantasizes spending life together.
After marriage: fantasizes spending life insurance alone.
kids play hide and seek like
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.