If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
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HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
I like to wait to board the plane so the person seated next to me thinks they’ll have extra space and then I come in right before the door closes and ruin their lives
God: …and another of the seven deadly sins is sloth.
Sloths: bro
I would rather weave a suit out of my grandfather’s pubic hair than “pull an all-nighter” with you.
Despite its deceivingly yummy smell, this bar of oatmeal almond soap tastes just like soap.
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
It would have sucked so bad for all those passengers when they realized they were on the Titanic
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
What’s for dinner?
-A question asked by children who have no intention of eating the answer.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Dad: “GO TO YOUR ROOM NOW!”
Child: *storms off* “JIM MORRISON WAS OVERRATED!”
Dad: “WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT SLAMMING THE DOORS!?”
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Txt from wife: where r u
Me:kitchen
Wife:can u feed cat
M: I mean garage
W:bring in laundry
M:bathroom
W:clean toilet
M: Idaho
W:get potatos
Eating my 8 spiders on New Years Day this year to get it out of the way
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
Was shocked to hear this little girl say she wanted to be a street walker when she grows up until I realized she meant a crossing guard.
Local news : box full of kittens mistaken for a bomb. I have to go to this town. I may be mistaken for Megan Fox.
ME: Is this Babies R Us
CASHIER: Yes
ME: No babies work here
C: I know
ME: It should be called Babies Were US
C: …
ME: Get me your manager
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
Mafia Boss: You wearin’ a wire?
Me: “Wire” you asking me that? lol get it[the rest of this tweet takes place on the bottom of a river]
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Sorry I’m late, I believed the washing machine when it said it only had one minute left in the cycle.
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
*at lawyer’s office*
Me: I want to divorce my idiot wife, she’s seeing a surgeon
*idiot wife pops out from under desk* that’s so not true!