My 18yo just gave me access to his private Twitter account. I’m not sure if I’m mortified or proud. I need 15 minutes and the Urban Dictionary.
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Putin takes over entire world while everybody searches for the missing plane.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
The candy shop door swung open and he strode in. Patrons gasped and clerks hid under the counter. He put a smoke out with the heel of his boot, pulled another from his leather jacket, and gripped it with his yellowed teeth. “Oh my god,” a woman whispered, “it’s the fifth dentist”
Scheduled an appointment with a trauma specialist to help me address some of the shit I’ve gone through. She’s quite expensive but I think if I don’t do this I’ll probably die so if you’re interested in buying a painting that would be awesome. Check the Insta link in my bio
Flying Monkey: Notice she only calls us “pretties” when she wants something.
Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Remember when you were watching zombie movies and you thought wow, there’s no way real people could be this stupid?
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one
[heaven]
IAN: I only regret the things I didn’t do
ME: Me too
I: Like, I didn’t swim with dolphins. You?
M: I didn’t stop poking a bear
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
They take Opposite Day seriously here at El Sol. I love sushi/getting paid to eat, but the dead mariachi band is something of a mood-killer.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
So deflating when you empty the dishwasher but then immediately fill it back up with all the dishes that were sitting in the sink because the dishwasher was running. Just gonna eat right out of the pan with my hands from now on
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together
Shout out to Marco Polo for inventing finding people
Wait a second…
Husband: Your too much of a perfectionist. I want a divorce.
Me: (through tears)”you’re”
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.