him: would you like to speak with the pharmacist?
her: no thanks
me, first day as a pharmacist: *under the counter* ask her why tho
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[pet shop]
Me: Excuse me, do you work here?
Hamster: No, I do not.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
ME: cheese omelette
WAITER: chicken or Cadbury Creme eggs
ME: hmmm… you know what, surprise me
got kicked out of family thanksgiving again for saying “mm that’s fergalicious” after every bite
In the Ben Affleck version, Batman’s parents kill themselves.
Gotta respect birds, living in trees means they completely avoid paying property tax.
Her: If you hear something in the woods, you tell me. if you hear something in the water, you tell me. But under no circumstances are you allowed to take off your blindfold.
Me: All this just because you forgot to pack your makeup for our camping trip?
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
Woah!!! You’re a much fatter family than the stick figures on your rear window would indicate!
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.
Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*
Spider: noooooooooo
Apparently “I don’t like scary movies,” is not an appropriate response to being asked to watch a wedding video.
black phone good
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
acme was just mailing bombs and rockets and shit to a dog
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
wife: you’re drunk
me: I’m not the one who’s all blurry Carol
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
[FIRST DATE]
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Me: what’s your favorite number
Golfer: 4
Hypochondriac: 6
Guy From Memphis: 10
Cannibal: 18
Ballerina: 22
Bargain Hunter: 241
Me: don’t 🙏🏼 judge 💜 other 🌈 people 💕 be kind ✌🏼😇
Also me: anyone who likes the new Taylor Swift song has a rotten brain parasite
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
HIM: my favorite movie is pulp fiction
ME: *trying to impress him but knowing that pulp is real* pulp is the greatest lie ever told
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall