Just think, Someone comes to you, opens buttons of your shirt, stares at you from top to bottom and then leaves.
That’s how fridges feel.
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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
My ex is going through hard times during the current lockdown,
so I’ve sent her some food parcels using “Fed Ex”.#lockdownUKnow #foodparcel #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
My laughing hysterically at Tom & Jerry cartoons is always tempered by me knowing that my wife is next to me wondering where her life went wrong.
Me: Don’t do anything special for my birthday.
*People do special things for my birthday*
Me: Oh thank God.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
“Your former crush likes this thing”
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
Toddlers are physically weak but make up for it with their brutal honesty about your appearance
invited to a party: will there be food?
to a wedding: will there be food?
to the gym: will there be food?
to an orgy: will there be food?
to an intervention: will there be food?
to be a human trial subject for experimental brain surgery: will there be food?
Gf: *holding my secret second phone* what the hell is this for
Me: *uses it so my screen time doesn’t say 19 hours a day* cheating
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I don’t like who I become when I’m watching someone Google something less efficiently than I would myself
Yoda: *dies and fades away*
Luke: Thank God. I was so sick of his backward talking.
Ghost Yoda: Heard that, I did.
“No way.” -Jose
“Hey, people who cover their mouth when they laugh; noone is trying to steal your teeth”, i hiss through my very normal amount of teeth.
My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
I’m a Brit, you’re Canadian. Please don’t thank me for thanking you, I’ll only feel compelled to thank you back and before you know it we’ll have been at it all night.