Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.
Me: No cop, no stop.
Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?
Me: No cop, no hop!
Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!
Me: NO COP, NO MOP!
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Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Hot Shingles in your area want to give you a painful rash.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’m a writer because one time an English teacher read my dumb essay to the class as an example of how to write and I’ve been chasing that high of external yet ultimately meaningless validation ever since.
*watches Easy Hairstyle tutorial*
*burns neck with curling iron*
*stabs scalp with bobby pin*
*gets hairspray in eyes*
*wears hair in ponytail*
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
They say you’ll never forget your first kiss, but what they don’t tell you is you will also never forget the first time you throw up everything you consumed at the state fair.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Found out recently that right-clicking on the send ‘arrow’ in Teams chat lets you schedule the message to be sent at a later time of your choosing. And yes I’m heavily abusing this feature.
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
That’s the last time I go out drinking with you Kevin!
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
After getting married, my wife used to joke that she will now have sex with only one person for the rest of her life.
Turns out she was talking about her boyfriend.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
Spelling words to your spouse to hide things from your kids is great until you get to M&Ms.
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
Your prayers are needed. Today I’m gonna tell my screenplay that it’s adapted.
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
[Me at job interview]
And, how seriously does your company take allegations of witchcraft?
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Me: Mum was I adopted?
Mum: Yes, but they gave you back