Sex is great but have you ever perfectly clapped the hand clapping part of a song?
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Me: *slowly unzips footed jammies*
Him: Heyyy…you uh…wanna fool around?
Me: What? No, I just lost an M&M in my onesie
My dog forgot it’s mother’s day, again.
“I traded my carpet in for bare floors” –coworker. “Oh, me too. I love the shaved look.”, said me. Apparently, she really meant carpet.
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
Doing LEGO with my son is like assisting during surgery.
6yo: Flat gray piece.
Me: Here.
6: 5 square red blocks.
M: Here.
6: I said RED!
Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who just watched someone else push the elevator button
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job
I love it when Google maps takes me on a little adventure. Dirt road along the highway? Don’t mind if I do.
I feel like every time a GOP candidate drops out, Oompa Loompas should appear & sing a song to teach us about the perils of gluttony & greed
FACT: Had kids for one reason; to send them to the basement for paper towels when I run out of them in the kitchen. It’s scary down there.
My sisters made me watch their kids last night. At one point all six of them were crying, but I just kept rap battling them one by one.
Sharon pls come back just because it’s bouncy doesn’t mean it’s not a house
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
My kid’s latest drawing. Guys, should I be disturbed? I am disturbed.
I never blamed anyone for my broken dreams except maybe myself but mostly my alarm clock.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
put a pic of a girl with perfect abs on my fridge so I’m motivated to suck in my gut every time I pull out the ice cream
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
Whenever I make a list of chores I always add one or two tasks that I have already accomplished so that I can experience the immediate satisfaction of crossing them off.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
it takes 700 grapes to make a bottle of wine and that’s why you’re fat