I work for the government which means I have to enter 2 passwords in order to print documents that are open to the public.
You Might Also Like
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
[argument w/girlfriend]
HER: you know what your problem is?
ME: no, *grabs pen and begins taking notes* but i’m about to find out
congratulations to them
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Is this the real life?
Is this just
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
Reasons why it’s bad that Justin Bieber is retiring:
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
5yo: We should get her two gifts
Me: One gift for your friends birthday is fine.
5yo: Okay, okay, okay, we will just get her two then.
Doughnuts alone won’t fill the emptiness in your soul…you’ll also need chocolate milk.
The baby’s favorite food is strawberries and she calls them, “the babies.” We got looks in the store when she asked loudly to eat the babies
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Imagine us having sex..
Wrong, more lasagna.
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
I am eggnogstic as in eggnog is my lord and savior
me: see you tomorrow
coworker: ok it’s a date[later]
me, thinking to myself: a date? but that could lead to affection, intimacy and eventually, love[the next day]
coworker: *just doing work stuff like any other day*
me: *in HR desperately seeking a transfer to Argentina*
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
I say “Hey man, I got your back.” He thanks me until he collapses from being spineless. I give his back to an infant. “Baby got back.” I say
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
People are surprised when I tell them I don’t like cilantro. Mostly because I’m in their house unannounced
8: would you rather be loved on your device but hated by everyone in the real world or would you rather be loved in real life and everyone on the internet hated you?
Me: I just wanna eat my dinner in peace
Remembering the most devastating your mum joke ever written
Her résumé lists “attention to detale” under strengths.
LIFE HACK: At the end of a night out, go to a Domino’s Pizza, order a delivery then catch a ride with the driver. Dinner + transport home!
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?