seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
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Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
I’m going to buy a bathroom scale and eyeglasses. after that? I dunno. weight and see I guess 🤷♀️
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
“I get knocked down, but I get up again
You’re never gonna keep me down”~Bowling pins
ACQUAINTANCE: read any good books lately?
ME: yeah, I just finished “How to Make Friends and Hypnotize People”
ACQUAINTANCE: I think it’s “Influence People”
ME: *swinging watch* no it’s not
FRIEND: you’re right buddy, it’s not
I know a couple who’s kids names are Zayden, Izyan and Fender. They just named their new dog Dan.
“And this is Flegh, Fnnnr, Grmm, Jsssh and Jhee-Jo.” (What My Brain Hears When Introduced to a Group of People)
2-year-old: The dog tastes like dirt.
Me: Don’t lick the dog.
2: He licked me first.
My 17 year old son made his bed this morning so I texted him to make sure he was ok and not on drugs or something because as a parent you’re supposed to watch out for sudden, unusual behavior in your teens.
what if our teeth screamed obscenities at us every time we brushed them?
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
My children have acquired a keen sense for knowing exactly when I’m about to forget them at a store.
Stop giving me dirty looks, lady. I wasn’t flirting with your husband. I was looking at his nachos.
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
My boss just sent me a text that she’ll be driving by in 15 minutes. Idk what she wants me to do with this info but I turned all of the lights off and unplugged the Christmas tree.
what is hip hop teaching our children? i caught my son listening to action bronson and now he’s in the kitchen making a prosciutto wrapped turkey roulade with pomegranate-port reduction
Favourite diary entry ever
I had a shirt with a tag that said “tumble dry only.” I did like twenty cartwheels and it was still wet.
She died as she lived. Listening to the story of what her kid watched on YouTube that day.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I would like to give a big shout out to the one person in my life who doesn’t accuse me of being insane. So, thank you, to the little old lady who lives in my hair.
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
I can point out chicks who say “vokka” and “liberry” instead of “vodka” and “library” based on the use of emoticons in their screen name.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
I always like to start an argument before a family road trip so no one speaks to me during the drive.
Thinking that you’re on speaking terms with God is like finding out you’ve been playing both parts in an episode of “Catfish”