God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
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My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
Take two chicken wings and call me in the morning.
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly
I’ve been playing the blame game with my wife
I’m losing 1,227,456 to 3
me: i’ll just have one more bite
narrator: she would go on to have 37 more bites
I long for the days when waking up with a “stiff one” wasn’t referring to my lower back.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Everyone Who Runs A Red Light: A**hole, piece of shit, danger to everyone, should be arrested, ugly
You Running Red Light: Unavoidable, intersection is stupid, on your way to save orphans, totally cute
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
drew a comic about my origin story
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
I’m confident that I could drink sea water if I had to. Like if I needed to, my body would just handle it. I’m not saying scientists are wrong but they don’t know me.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Back in my day we didn’t have online dating. We’d write, “for a good time, call…” on public bathroom walls and wait for our phone to ring.
why are math teachers so obsessed with proofs ??? bro WE BELIEVE YOU literally no one here is doubting mr pythagorean
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Gang tip: If a rival gang tags their symbol on your turf, don’t cover it. Add a drawing of Calvin peeing on it.
Now who’s stupid? They are!
Half the time I hug anyone I’m just wiping my hands off on their back.
My wife will fix her hair before she puts on a seat belt in the car because if she dies, she WILL LOOK GOOD dammit.
[reverse psychology]
me: tell me about your childhood
therapist: *crying* where do I begin?
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
Alexa, make me look good naked.
Unlike smoking, vaping doesn’t reduce your sex drive. It just reduces the sex drive of the people who see you vaping.