March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
You Might Also Like
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
I’m sorry I created a “legal situation” when I thought someone ate my salt and vinegar chips.
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
god: who wants a bear?
usa: I want a black one
arctic: white for me
china: can I get a swirl
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
*first date*
her: I can suck a golf ball through a garden hose
me: I like the sound of that
her: mmmmm oh do you now.
me: yes, I have two young kids. any chance you could suck a ham and cheese sandwich out of a dvd player?
our bidet has two settings: babbling brook or pressure wash 30-year-old grime off the sidewalk
My house could be 99% tile and my kid would still barf directly onto the rug.
“Space heater” is a pretty ambitious name. How about “shin warmer?”
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
Get in the van!
me?…*winks* OK, It will be unpleasant, but worth it- hey! Where are you going?!
*jogs after van*
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Nothing brings a family closer at graduation than a flask.
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
[babysitting]
*calls Mom of kid* How long does your baby stay in the rain before it’s clean?
dad: You’re sitting at the kids table this Thanksgiving
me: Why?
dad: What’s a carburetor?
me: Uh
dad: Who’s SpongeBob’s best friend?
me: Patri- oh
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[Checks for abs]
Abs : I have a boyfriend
I accidentally dropped one of my husband’s Viagra into my contact solution and now I’m cockeyed.
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
Today I beat my personal record of consecutive days alive.
Son: “I hurt my foot”
Dad who’s obsessed with the metric system: “What did you just say!?”
Son (sigh): “OK sorry. I hurt my 30 centimeters”
Dad: “That’s better. But if I catch you using imperial measurements again, I’m gonna beat you to within 2.54 centimeters of your life!”