Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
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I don’t need feimsm i like my men to be REAL MEN! the worst day of my life was when i realised i had mistakenly married a big bag of oranges
People hate me at B’way musicals because when the characters break into song, I always shout, “You don’t have to do this. Just talk to us.”
[first date]
Her: I love cats
Me: (trying to impress) *pushes her plate off the table*
one thing the entire animal kingdom has in common is the face we make when our kid won’t shut up
This gum has my stomach convinced food is coming.
PEOPLE OF METROPOLIS: Is it a bird? Is it a plane?
SUPERMAN: These people don’t need a hero. They need a functional education system.
The great thing about having pet insurance is that while our labrador is at the vets, they’ve given us a courtesy poodle to hang out with.
Safety first, so remember when you tell some people “go set the world on fire” you must be very clear that you are speaking metaphorically.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
even if i become ranked as a grand master in chess im still going to call it a horsey
if you wanna be my lover you gotta get with my chins
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I don’t think my blind date was blind, she read the menu and caught the basketball I threw at her
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
*adds alone time to my Amazon wishlist*
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
choose your gary
I’d love for someone to play with my hair & tell me I’m pretty but his hand would get tangled in my hair and things would get weird… Fast.
Petulant: (defn.) a cat or dog you let a friend borrow
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
ANGEL: *creates alligator*
ANGEL’S BROTHER: *creates crocodile*A: *creates dolphin*
AB: *creates porpoise*A: *creates llama*
AB: *creates alpaca*A: *creates ostrich*
AB: *creates emu*A: quit copying me
AB: qUiT cOpYiNg mEA: i’m telling god
AB: i’M TeLLiNg gOd
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
a group of ocelots is called an awfelot
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.