You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
You Might Also Like
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Him: You matter
Me: I know, Tarzan. We all are
Doctor: he broke his legs saving a baby from a house fire
Wife: what really happened?
Me: I thought the cat was trying to teach me parkour
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Today my 2nd grader said “I won’t ride on the bus with my big brother again until I’m in 9th grade and he’s in 12th!” And I started blubbering immediately because, academically speaking, neither of these kids will make it to high school.
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
You have a smile that could light up a whole psych ward. <3
Despite what we’ve been lead to believe,
nobody really really really wants a zigga zig ahh
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
You ever just look at your spouse and KNOW they’re the one you want to fall asleep really soon so you don’t have to share your pizza rolls with?
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
My 6yo fell over today because he was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street and I didn’t even see how he fell because I was distracted by watching some construction work happening across the street
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
They’re on their honeymoon
Facebook sent me a notification….unfortunately, my meth lab on Farmville blew up.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
the pandemic has hit the spaghetti labor market especially hard
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Enter a cafe. Ask to see the menu. Say, Have you got anything a mouse would like? When they say No, whisper into your sleeve & leave.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
This is always good for a laugh.
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words if you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone.
You washed your hands? Be honest. Your hands washed each other, and you just watched like a sick freak.
Oh, I shouldn’t worry? Why didn’t I think of that?
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
*Cleans glasses*
“Omg I have a cat?”
What started out as me wanting to make homemade spaghetti sauce has turned into a spot-on recreation of one of Dexter’s kill rooms.