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Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
dog: i want to go to up to the stars with you
astronaut: space is a vacuum
dog: i’ll see you when you get back
An F wouldn’t be such bad grade if the scale went from A to Z. That’d be like a…whatever percent. Sorry, I got a W in math.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
Sorry I said, “Whoa, hope he’s good at math.” when you showed me your kid’s finger painting.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
HR Manager: Some of your coworkers think you’re mean and vengeful
Me: They are going to pay for saying that
Him: What’s your sign?
Me: Dollar
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
technically you’re not on fire, the fire is on you. but yes i’ll get some water
lmao babies are so bad at tic-tac-toe I win every time
barbara was highly relatable
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Accidentally took my mother’s id to the polling station and committed voter freud.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I took my kids to the playground and now they want me to push them on the swings. Jesus Christ, haven’t I done enough?
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a parapsychologist.
Me: Cool! Is it difficult talking people into jumping out of planes?
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
waiter : here’s your bread for the table
table : nom nom nom delicious
Toy Story (1995): A young boy’s toy chest becomes possessed by haunted dolls, forcing the family to move away. But the dolls find him.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Me: [opens up lunch at work to find an African Lion] if this is here, then-
Zookeeper: [opens his lunch and is mauled by a ham sandwich on rye]
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
hey guys I chipped my tooth and now I can do the land down under flute solo when I laugh
Parenting little kids is mostly saying “please eat” or “do NOT put that in your mouth”