Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
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Me: I just souped up my car
Person: What kind of engine did you put in it?
*cut to me filling my car with tomato soup*
Me: Um… A fast one.
I don’t really think I know what ovulating is, but I think my friend Brian is ovulating.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
My husband just screamed NOOOOOO so loud I thought something was horribly wrong. Don’t worry you guys, no one is injured, someone just hit their ball in the water at the Master’s.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
Computer: [down]
Help desk: you’ll need to submit an online ticket
Bought myself some tulips to say thank you for putting up with yourself, day in, day out, Jesus Christ what a job.
I have never been eaten by a tiger. If you want advice on how not to be eaten by a tiger, just ask.
Please note: advice may not work if you are near a tiger.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
my husband said we need to start exercising and get into shape so I’m going to wake up early tomorrow and start looking for a new husband
I asked my husband if I’m the only one he’s been with. He said yes, the others were all nines and tens.
Send bail money.
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
GREAT day volunteering at the library! Noticed a local youth reading a book called “Moby D*ck” so I confiscated it before it could corrupt his innocent mind. Then I found a fun book about laughing out loud called LOLita and gave him that instead. I LOVE keeping young minds pure!
I would never get a minivan because I can’t even think of 7 people I’d want to be stuck in a vehicle with.
My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
My chihuahua’s basically a tiny cartel kingpin who’s scared of the rain.
As you get older dating becomes a lot like Musical Chairs. The music stops, everyone sits down and you’re left with the last idiot standing.
Is this your resume?
“Yep”
It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away
“Oh yes”
Welcome to UPS!
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Nobody ever writes about Moby Niceguy.
whenever a man says he’s well endowed I always hope he means with a grant from the government for his new art project
This is Sparta
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.