Whenever I see someone crying in public, I figure they won Coldplay tickets.
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Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
If you really want people to notice you, be a typo.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
They must have gotten it to go.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
[dracula slapping mosquito]
holy shit that really IS annoying
Here’s why I’m opposed to pilots being obligated to wear boxing gloves for flights:
-Cost of buying the gloves might be passed on to customers
-Pilot loses gloves? Flight gets delayed
-A passenger wearing boxing gloves could be mistaken for the pilot and ordered to fly the plane
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
my cousin asked if I wanted to hold her baby and I told her I have ringworm
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
“911, what is your emergency?”
I got stuck in a beaded curtain
“Again?”
SEND HELP
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
Gotta get to bed early-tomorrow I’m bringing down the recycling
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
One of my coworkers didn’t show up to work this morning so I had to wait on half the restaurant by myself for brunch and I said he better be in jail and it turned out he was in jail
Threw my back out due to overwhelming sensuality again.
Rhythmic banging against the wall, his hands grasping the sheets. Unable to get what he needs, he gets out of bed to turn off the Roomba.
If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.
I’m pretty sure I made one of those “If we’re both still single” pacts with someone. I just wish I’d written down his name.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
[traffic stop]
COP: where ya headed?
ME: on my way home
COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*
ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you