Fellas,
If you kill a spider while you’re at her place, congratulations. You will be having sex.P.S. Bring a spider.
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Elevator sex is a logistical nightmare on many levels.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
my family was too poor for a gene pool, so we soaked our genes in rye whiskey.
[first day as lawyer]
me: obj—
judge: —shut up noob
Hey weekend,
I love you more than you know!
I know I don’t deserve you, but trust me if you stay, I will spend all my procrastination on you to keep lying in my bed.
Love,
Your unconditional lover
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
People say you’re judged by the company you keep. Luckily, I don’t keep any company.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
Q: How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
A: You look for the fresh prints!
I’ll show myself out y’all
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Those who ignore the past are doomed to flunk their history test.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
Edward Scissorhands was so sad because he wanted to be class president but no one would run with him.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Me: Hey, great costume, buddy! You look like a real…
Him: Ma’am, please step out of the vehicle.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
And then I go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like – Never just be yourself. There’s something wrong with you.
Me: I wanta quit
Boss: I need a formal resignation
Me: fine. I beseech thee, kindly give me leave of this hellhole
Text:
OMG! I can’t believe you tweet such
vile, offensive, filthy, sick things.
You should be removed from society.
GET HELP!Love Mom XO