I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
You Might Also Like
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)
My kids got to know me a little more yesterday. They learned my first pet’s name, my high school mascot, where I was born, my mother’s maiden name. Even after learning all these things, they still weren’t able to hack into my email account.
If nobody else is going to say it I will: I think Gaston eats too many eggs.
Somebody keeps sending me flowers with all the heads cut off.
I think I’m being stalked…
Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
Victoria’s Secret supermodels aren’t as impressive if you add shopping bags
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
When reading a friend’s work, always remember, it’s helpful to give brutally honest notes, especially if you have too many friends.
YOU CAN’T BE BOTH A NAZI AND A PROUD AMERICAN.
WE LITERALLY HAD A WAR ABOUT THIS.
THE WHOLE WORLD WAS INVOLVED.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Me: [to myself] ok, act cool
Crush: nice weather today
Me: thanks
I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
Perverts have made it so you can’t even park your makeshift surveillance van conspicuously outside girls’ college diving team meets anymore.
Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Doctor: You’re sick
Me: Yeah?
Doctor: *heelying away* But not sick enough
Me: Awww
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
Sorry I didn’t want to hold YOUR baby because I was holding MY baby
*Sips Margarita
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy