My cute neighbor saw me running and so I had to keep running until she couldn’t see me any more. Call an ambulance
You Might Also Like
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
Doctor: Do you drink alcohol?
Me: Why? What’ve you got?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
My son: If you put a hotdog in a blender, does it still have the same amount of calories?
Me: NO HOT DOG SMOOTHIES
12: So Paul and I are going to the mall today can you drive us and probably just gonna hang and we might be meeting up with a few guys from school just like you know 12 and can you take all of us and you can take us early—
Me: Breathe
12: I am
Me: I meant me
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
Waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
Me: preferably over some type of heat source
My 8yo was playing science lab, spilled some concoction on the floor, and made a sign saying “caution: wet floor” instead of wiping it up, parenting is friggin’ ridiculous
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
the world’s most popular steaming services
I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
[Starbucks]
ME: [bursts in] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT LARGEBARISTA: [shrugs]
ME: [sigh] THERE’S A GUNMAN AT VENTI
B: *grande screaming noises*
I taught my youngest niece and nephew to say “Mommy steals credit cards” when they’re in a checkout line.
If you ghost me, I assume one of two things happened
1: you fell in love with me really quickly and overwhelmingly and you couldn’t handle it and knew I would ruin your life forever because of how amazing I am
2: you died
If you run out of milk for your coffee just use cheese. Dairy is dairy. Stop making me solve all of your problems
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
kidnapper: [on the phone] pay the ransom to get your son back
dad: oh god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: son listen money doesn’t grow on trees
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
If Jennifer Love Hewitt so much, maybe she should marry her!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
A lot of people ask me “why do you lie about the high number of people asking you things?”
Just got a paper cut on my webbing so you guys go ahead without me. It’s been fun.
[At 1st drive-thru window]
Cashier: Okay here is your change sir, you are all set.
Me: Thanks
5: Uh no we are not all set, where is our food?
This guy I was talking to asked if he had to worry about a boyfriend or husband that would get mad at him for dating me, so I asked him, “why, you can’t fight?”
Anyways, that’s how I ended up blocked
Cow werewolves transform during a full moo.
…No, YOU shut up.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”