4: Water!
Me: Ask me nicely
4: Actually, I’ll get it myself
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If you’re ovulating and have sex standing up…
Is it called a standing ovulation? Asking for a friend
First date idea: you, me, and a blanket
under the stars. We slap the shit out of each other but it’s sweet because of all the mosquitoes
Why does body wash have directions, it’s literally the name
spoke to a 93 year old retired english teacher earlier and she stopped me mid conversation to say “please don’t end your sentence with a preposition” ok! i actually don’t know what that is
[church]
1-year-old: *throws a tantrum*
Me: This is the worst place for a meltdown.
Wife: Nuclear power plants?
Me: Second worst place.
Satan: welcome to hell, the WiFi password is-
Me: wait you have WiFi?
Satan: of course.
Me: well that’s not so bad.
Satan: as I was saying the WiFi password is Pi.
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
You don’t wanna break into the zoo and steal a penguin, you don’t wanna wait in the car while *I* break into the zoo, so maybe you should just plan the date.
Me: Describe your love for me in one word.
Him: My what?
The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.
Die Hard is a Valentine’s Day movie.
Sorry for throwing mice at your wedding.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
I totally get your eyebrows.
My bank account is overdrawn, too.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
me: this used to be a Pizza Hut, you can always tell no matter what they turn it into
prison guard: no talking after lights out
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
If you stop vacuuming your stairs eventually they become a snack bar for your kids.
[bar]
HER: wanna get outta here? *winks*
ME: hell ya
HER: whatya thinkin?
ME: lets go to my place and arm wrestle
HER: what?
ME: u scared?
My husband took 18 to a music festival and just texted me that he was “going in the mosh pit” and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I don’t think they call it that anymore and also he’s 49 and probably won’t survive that.
Her: What’d you just eat?
Me: Leftover porkchop.
Her: Ok but what’s that sauce?
Me: The sauce that you made to go with the pork chops.
Her: That’s not the sauce… I don’t know what you found in the fridge…WebMd: You’re gonna die.
My husband had to sign a form stating he understands his mother’s cremation is nonreversible. I weep for our species.
my dog asks for more food by throwing her bowl against a wall, sleeps all day on top of the heat register, and gets treats every time she gets anxious…how do i sign up for this?
My therapist says I’m making progress but that’s only because I lie to her