Just because I know that I can fit 150 snakes in my bathtub doesn’t mean I have a plan
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dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
My mom told me never to steal kitchen utensils.
But, it’s a whisk I’m willing to take.
I like my men like I like my coffee shops.
Clean.
Smells nice.
Free wi-fi.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
Sometimes I think my toddlers are smart
Other times they throw tantrums because they get their fingers stuck
In their other hand
Secret to a successful marriage is to compliment your spouse before discussing tasks and chores
They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.
inventor of the leaf blower: what if we just yelled at leaves until they moved?
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
We’d like to remind passengers that free in-flight wi-fi is available for purchase immediately after take off
– airlines airlining
Me: Yeah sorry, I never have my phone volume on, I just can’t deal with people
Boss: I don’t think you understand the concept of a “work phone”
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
[playing trivia]
me: what year did rambo come out?
my wife: *gasp* rambo’s gay??
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Burglars are getting very clever these days..
Last night, my wife woke me up..*Darling! Darling! There’s a burglar downstairs!!*
So I go down, check every room and don’t find anyone.
Then I realized I don’t have a wife and when I went back upstairs my bed and tv were gone.
honey it’s not what you think- we were planning your surprise funeral
waiter: would you like to know the one thing on the menu we’re out of tonight?
me: no no I’ll find it thanks
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
Oh we’re halfway there
Oh oh running from a bear
I pushed you down
Accidentally I swear
Oh oh eaten by a bear
You were eaten by a bear
Pro tip: No matter how much you hate wrapping, never ask your wife to wrap her own Christmas presents.