me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
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If you name a baby “Steve” you get to spend all day, like, “Yo, my man Steve shit himself and threw a potato at the cat.”
Me: I’m sitting down to read and have my coffee. Don’t come in here unless it’s an emergency. I want 15 minutes.
[12 seconds later]
“MOOOMMMM! HE’S BUILDING A FORCE FIELD AROUND ME”
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
Maybe she’s boing with it. Maybe it’s trampoline.
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
Snorting hot chocolate powder thru a hollowed out candy cane at my desk because Cheryl said I wasn’t “showing enough holiday spirit.”
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
[meeting]
DIRECTOR: I want amazing CGI
PRODUCER: Yes!
D: A huge cast
P: Agreed!
D: Realistic family photos
P: We don’t have the budget
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
2017 Resolution: spend more quality time with my son
*son begins describing his 500 new Pokémon cards*
Well, there’s always next year
the worst part of senior prom was definitely dropping my date and my grandfather’s ashes going EVERYWHERE
ME: *throwing up gang signs*
FRIEND: Dude, how many did you eat?
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
i’m so old i’m almost back in style
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
9yo: Who took my hair tie?
Me: I didn’t.
9yo: I did not ask who didn’t.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.