An old Russian wisdom:
Tell me who your friends are,
And I’ll tell you what
you’ll be charged with.
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Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels. #circuseverydamnday
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
“The rules are quite simple, Mr Bond: I think of a word, you guess letters in that word. If you guess wrong I draw a picture a man hanging.”
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
When do you introduce yourself to your new neighbors? Is it after 5 years? Tell me it’s after you hit their mailbox with your car.
*sits gf down*
i am about to ask you a big question. if you dont know the answer then thats ok… *clears throat* where is the space jam dvd
Dear Cool People, they didn’t name a candy after you, did they? Love, Nerds.
The waitress brought me pulled pork sliders instead of beef sliders so I showed her who was boss
By quietly finishing my meal and tipping 30%
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
A super funny prank would be if someone snuck into my driveway in the middle of the night and washed my car lmao. I would be so owned it would be hilarious
In any relationship, you have to accept some of your partners quirks & they must accept some of yours. Some people chew loudly. Some people snore. Some people leave the door open so a large opossum can sleep on the couch because he likes the couch & it’s too cold outside anyways.
A baby that is starting to wake up from a nap is like a solar eclipse. Whatever you do, do not look directly at it.
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
So what do you do for a living?
“I’m in the Secret Service”
Wow, you didn’t keep that secret too well did you
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
my wife says she’s never worked in tech support, but when something is broken she always has helpful tips like “is it on?” and I’m like ok geek squad
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
If being a role model involves anything before noon, I don’t want anything to do with that shit.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.