Apparently, it’s considered bad form to bring their luggage to the graduation ceremony.
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i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.
I just ran into my high school bully and it was great cause I’m doing well and he’s 17 which is very old for a dog
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Optimistic Thought of the Day: You are always 1/3 of the way towards having a threesome.
God: And then let’s send in murder hornets
Angel: Wait, murder hornets? So they can’t go outside?
God: Not a big deal, they’re all quarantined because of Coronavirus
Angel: What if they end up allowed to go back outside?
God: Did you not just hear about the murder hornets?
December birthdays be like…
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
NURSE: *bursts in* Dr., come quick!
DR DOG: CHRIST, JULIE! Don’t you knock?!?
*hides magazine of sexy Labradoodles being sprayed with hoses*
If my “check engine” light would check my wallet, it would know there’s nothing I can do about it.
skydiving instructor: is this your first time?
me: [holding seven balloons] why do you ask
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
don’t look at the title of Kill Bill before you watch because it’s a bit of a spoiler
Me: *Being strip searched*
Cop: The dancing really is not necessary
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
Donkey I Shreked the Kids
Priest: tell me your confessions
Me: I said the f word twice this week
Priest: [70% sure I stole his meatball sub from the church fridge] anything else
A couple weeks ago I left my front door open and my Roomba got out. This morning it showed up on my porch pregnant, with a dead bird in its mouth.